Who Needs Drugs When You Could Get Your Stone on Watching Carpets Being Cleaned?

Insomnia - the Enlightenment that Comes with Clean Carpets

Jakub uses his carpet cleaner after putting his secret detergent on the rug
Jakub skillfullly using his professional carpet cleaner.

My attempt at trying to relax has led me down some odd paths. I've had insomnia for approximately 10-years so I'm always on the lookout for insomnia cures. From listening to moon sounds, short stories, and comedy routines to getting massages. Rubdowns not only haven't worked for me but they haven't worked for the poor therapist who is forced to massage me. My body goes stiff like a board the moment I get touched and the more they tell me to relax, the more difficult it is.

I have recently found something that relaxes me, not exactly the level of relaxation I was looking for, but it helps. What is it that has calmed the mind of an oympic insomniac? Rug cleaning. You read correctly, rug cleaning. I watch YouTube as rugs of all sizes and styles get professionally cleaned and beaten. It might sound nuts, but sites on YouTube that feature carpet and rug cleaning are incredibly popular. My main channel for watching dirt be scrubbed off a rug is Lubuskie Centrum Czystosci which is a Polish company owned by a young man named Jakub. His channel has about 33,000 extremely loyal followers who love to comment. I’m guessing that this channel ended up on my feed because at the time I was looking up ASMR videos to help me sleep. ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and needs its own post to explain.

Jakub with a huge grin smiling at his shop, Lubuskie Centrum Czystoscl.
Jakub from Lubuskie Cenrum Czystoscl.

As if these videos aren’t weird enough, now and then Jakub decides to breakdance on the ground for about thirty seconds. He does this once a month and it doesn't disappoint, which doesn't mean it isn't odd as hell. He wears white plastic boots and blue medical-looking gloves while he is cleaning the rugs. He cleans them each identically and when he doesn't he explains why. After soaking the rug with water he applies a formula which when poured on a filthy rug, froths. He uses a carpet scrubber and then comes my favorite part, the squeegee. No joke, I have always enjoyed watching window cleaners because the very good ones are amazing to see. They can use one sweeping “s' motion and clean a huge surface without leaving streaks. I love washing my car windows because I get to use a squeegee. When Jakub pushes the squeegee down the rug he mine as well be Fred Astaire. An incredible amount of dirty water appears when he starts this process. They also have a beater machine to get the dust off the rugs before cleaning. Don't even get me started as to how cool it is to watch dozens of bunched bristles beating the crap out of a rug. When he's finished he weighs the dirt so he can tell the customers just what came off.

Photo of Jakub standing in front of recently cleaned car upholostery.
Jakub super-imposed photo in front of recently cleaned car upholstery.

I have very little shame about my watching these videos since I'm using them for a medical condition and yes insomnia is a medical condition. There are times when the video titles that are meant to get the viewer excited make me feel weird and it's not Jakub's broken English. He uses titles such as “Muddy Rivers of Black Water from the Depths of Hell” and “You haven't seen such a dirty carpet, the brown water flowed like mud.” My favorite titles are the ones that mention animals such as, “This carpet was lying for ten years in the chicken barn, paint and dirt came out constantly” and “Carpet cleaning heavily stained with cat urine. Yellow water was coming out, carpets lightened.” I do experience the tiniest bit of discomfort when I read the video titles because the grosser the carpet description the more excited I become to watch them being cleaned. I actually look for words like fungus, goo, and grease because I know this means the referenced video will be filthy, carpet filthy. If this is the worst thing about me, I think it's not that bad. Of course, it's not the worst part about me, I’m just saying.

Jakub standing in front of his rug beater,
Jakub standing in front of his rug beater.

Like eating disorders, those who watch these videos get a sense of order and consistency, which both equal control. People often mistake eating disorders with just being a pig when really the food is the way the sufferer is trying to gain control. Insomnia causes me to feel out of control because I can't maintain a normal sleeping pattern. If those with eating disorders didn't have access to food, they would start to pull their hair out, start cutting themselves, or another form of abuse to their body. Watching a rug be cleaned suddenly doesn't seem as bizarre, does it? This need for order and predictability can be found in many things we do during the day. I find cleaning a litter box very satisfying. It was dirty, I sifted and now it's clean. I accomplished something that didn't kill me that will make a cat happy. People don't watch Wheel of Fortune because they are a fan of Pat Sajak's jokes. Instead, they watch it because the entire game is formulaic. Each contestant will introduce themselves by telling a ridiculous two-sentence story and the person you didn't like will make a ton of money.

Order is so important to me that as a child I wanted to work on an assembly line. Obviously, I couldn't have predicted that working on a line meant my limbs could get ripped off or my manager won't let me use the bathroom. It's the repetition and lack of surprises that were appealing. I would do horrible in the armed forces because while there is order if something unfair happens I would lose my mind seeing as if the ultimate in civility and order should be with our armed forces. One of my favorite movies is "Private Benjamin" with Goldie Hawn, if you haven't seen it you are missing out. My need for control unfortunately isn't reflected anywhere in my life, at least at this current time. This means my car, apartment, and my life in general, are in chaos. However, imagine how messy it could be if I wasn't obsessed with order?

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