Singles Should be Treated with Respect

Single Shouldn't Mean Solitary


Disclaimer I: This post will ramble. Do they all ramble? Regardless, this topic embarrasses me so I tend to blather, which is amazing since I can discuss my vagina and the occasional black boob hair.


Disclaimer ll: The use of the word “woman” is because of my age. Nevertheless, each time I write it I flinch because I feel like a girl.


There are resources for women struggling with eating disorders, animal fears, and public speaking. I'm wondering where my freaking resources are? As a 52-year-old, single, rapidly aging woman, where are the women rallying around me? Have you seen em?


In an ideal world, a single woman like myself would get opportunities that only married, baby-making parents receive. I would love to live in the majority of the population who aren't considered weird for my lifestyle choices. If I could turn the world on its side, I would enjoy one day where single women rule. I would need these changes across the board so there is no place a married couple could go to feel good about themselves.


In my single world, my birthday is spent not as a single woman baking a cake for herself. Instead, my fantasy would be something like the following. I would be watching television when a gentleman who looks a lot like Prince appears before me. He puts his hand on his butt, and says "Oy vey, my lower back is killing me, but I don't want to talk about it." He continues, "I'm your fairy god-father-mother aka an older Jewish trans-man whose superpower is to make me feel flamboyantly fabulous." He continues, "Girl, get dressed, we are going to kiki after we make one stop." Weirder things happen to me daily so I changed my clothing and followed her...him. We walked outside to his Honda Hybrid, and I watched as he repeatedly tried to open the door while shaking his head saying, "These meshuggeneh cars, I told them to give me a gas-guzzling, environmental nightmare of a car and instead they give me this spaceship.” Unsure why we are driving when five minutes ago he was able to appear in front of me. It's my fantasy so let's not worry about inconsistencies. We drive to an area that looks very familiar while Mr. Fabulousity continued to struggle with every aspect of his car. Upon further examination, I realize we're at an old asshole of a boyfriend's place. My god-father snaps his fingers and suddenly we are inside the asshole’s apartment, which smells like a combination of vomit and sweat socks. We walk in to see the asshole sleeping on the couch amongst beer cans and pizza. I asked why we were here and before he could answer I yelled "OMG! Are you going to take me to see the ghosts of boyfriend's past to prove I'm better off without them?" He tries to clear his throat with his heavily ringed finger on his decolletage and says "Yes, sister that was the original plan. However, I learned this asshole is the only one you dated who is doing poorly." He continues, "One guy is a CEO of a tech company in California, the other is…I scream “Stop! Enough, I get it. This asshole is doing poory, but every other asshole I dated is having wonderful life." We left assholes apartment, got into our Honda, and proceeded to a kiki where anything I wanted was mine. A bit anti-climatic but I'm in my fifties and immune to fantasies of any sort.


My singles world world would dictate the norm for Christmas, New Year’s, and Valentine's Day. Instead of seeing greeting cards, candy, and flowers, couples would be treated the same way I get treated daily, which is tragic. At the stroke of 12 am on New Year's Eve, a faulty firework might end up on the lawn of my least favorite couple and sparks a tiny, but annoying fire. Maybe on Valentine's Day, the little teddy bears that line supermarket shelves would stand up, form a posse and then go ape shit on anyone who tried to put them into a shopping cart.


Weddings…yuck! In my single world, we could still have marriages, but the bride and groom wouldn't be allowed to celebrate their love because it would be looked upon as being weak. It is the elderly, single woman who would get all the kudos. While in attendance at weddings married couples would be subjected to the drafty seats by the bathroom. Couples would be viewed as the ultimate pains in the asses as hosts try to arrange to seat them. All couples on vacation will be charged double occupancy fees, per person, per day. The suites for singles in hotels would be the most luxurious with the best views. No one would want the wedding suite because it's located adjacent to the dumpsters where the garbage gets picked up daily at 5 am.


The point is and I did have one, I just want to be revered....is that so wrong? Maybe not revered as much as respected for the decisions I made to end up single at this age. I should be looked at as the princess that I am instead of the aging spinster that people probably think I am. The reason why I know strangers think poorly of single people is that I used to. Maybe the loneliness that I feel sometimes is payback for the harsh judgments I’ve had of others. When I was younger I believed any woman who wasn't shacked up at the ripe old age of thirty meant men viewed them as useless and there was something incredibly wrong with them. I was also convinced that all men suck by a close relative when I was only 12-years-old and another family member who yelled a bit too much. So next Valentine's Day maybe you could look at single people who won’t be receiving a box of chocolate and consider their lives growing up looked nothing like yours.


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